“Anxiety”

Well it’s been almost a year or a year since the last time I wrote…. Today I come expressing my feelings on here, maybe I shouldn’t do this but I was told to do something to relive stress and this is an outlet for me. 

I have been not feeling all that great lately since Saturday February the 20th. I was sitting at church when out of nowhere I got the shorts pain in my chest. I was so scared I remembered looking at my mom and crying. She took me to the hospital because I thought I was experiencing a heart attack. For the past month I have been having small chest pains but nothing compared to Saturday’s pain! I went to the er and sat there for literally more than 3 hours and was never seen by a doctor. I decided to leave and come home since the pain wasn’t as sharp anymore. I came home and I went to sleep. I woke up Sunday telling myself I was going to church to worship God even tho I was still in pain. I made it to church but the pain was just so harsh by the time I got there I felt a shortness of breath. I closed my eyes and just worshiped God. I came home and went on about my Sunday afternoon. Monday I decided to go to the doctor I sat at the doctors office for almost 5 hrs they checked every single inch in my body. When everything came back I was told I was under so much stress that I put my body in shock in a way. I tensed all my muscles up including the heart and the pain I was getting was my heart signaling me that I needed to stop! It’s been so hard for me lately……. the doctor even prescribed depression pills, I refuse to take those pills because I know that can damage you. 

I have felt hopeless today! My family also got some harsh news… News that my cousins tumor had returned and that he needs surgery again but he has to go to another state to have it removed. It’s heartbreaking to see someone that’s only 15 go through all of this. With all my stress and all two people that I care and love for in small words or trying to sugar coat it tell me I’m selfish. That broke my heart somehow I became selfish all in one day. All this because I was talking about my birthday that’s in less than a week. Yes I am looking forward to turning 21!!! No not for the drinks or the alcohol  or nothing of that nature. I am excited because I have made it to the age of 21 seing all that my cousin had gone thru it makes me appreciate life more and be thankful that I’m alive another year. But for some people that makes me selfish and not a good person… Now instead of being excited I feel torn… Yes torn becaus I think I lost someone that I love so very much today! I question my self am I a bad person?! I’m sick and tired of being called a victim by people! Only I know what I struggle with everyday! For someone to bring you down that way! Only you know what’s wrong with you the things you struggle with the things that keep you up at night. I am going to make it I know I will! It’s just a bad day not a bad life after all! 

From bestfriend to Prince Charming 💕

I don’t even know where to begin or what to even say. First of its been a while since I have written anything, sorry.
I fell in love with my best friend…. Yes it’s that even possible is what I am asking myself as I write this. I would always say no my best friend could never be my boyfriend nor husband. It’s so funny because one night I was so bored that I took one of those stupid Facebook tests, it said that I would marry my best friend. I laughed and said I could never marry my best friend that’s ridiculous. I can tell you though it was so easy to fall in love with my best friend. I fell in love each day without even noticing it!!! Till about like two weeks ago…. Yes two weeks ago! I ask myself why did I wait so long to open my heart up!!! Then I realized that it wasn’t up to me to open up my heart but to God! I had asked God to protect my heart from every guy that comes my way! I had dealt with so much that year that my heart couldn’t take it! I told God you will be the one to open my heart up to love again, but for real love, for something I have never felt! To love someone for who they are and not who they pretend to be! I can say is that God chose the most amazing guy for me💕 He has survived being my friend for the past 2 years! He has stayed by my side no matter what! He has seen my ugly days and my happy days! He is the only guy that has ever seen me with no make up, bed hair and pajamas and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love him yes I do I have always loved him I have just been to blind to see what was in front of me! I love that he is patient, passionate, lovable , sweet, and understanding. The most amazing thing about him tho is that he serves God! I don’t need to look anymore! I can say I am so happy and he makes me happy and I really don’t care what other people will say once we make it official! I could see myself marrying him being the mother of his children! I am so excited to start a journey with him! Love is kind, his love is kind! I love you💕

2014 goodbye!!!!!

Well what can I say 2014 is almost over….. 24 hrs left of it and the clock is tick tocking away!! Lord am I glad this year is almost over. 2014 that means a whole lot to me from pain to laughter, to good days and bad days, from disappointment to excitement and the list is endless…(literally) I thought this year would never end but is coming to a end. I am beyond thankful for this year that God gave me tho. I faced some of the toughest storms, and when I say storms I mean storms tornados filled with emotions, hurricanes leaving no piece of my heart behind, uncontrollable rain from all the tears I dropped but also a landslide. Yes a landslide where nothing was left where there was emptiness and I had to start from zero. But today I can say that there is new life growing where the tornado, hurricane, endless rain, and the landslide went thru. I lost friends but I gained an amazing friend that makes up for all the ones I lost. Jesus he has never left my side at all no matter how many times I failed him he was always there kept me safe from the hurricane. Made sure that when I was ripped away by the tornado I would still be breathing in the end. That after the landslide destroyed everything new life would grow. It hasn’t all been rainbows and butterflies!!!! If I could describe this year would be as a dark year a year that seemed hopeless a year where I wanted to follow the birds as they migrated, a year where I wish I could be as small as an ant to hide underground. This was a year where I carried a scarlet letter on my chest. A year that I got hit by many 18 wheelers going one hundred miles per minute. I can truly say tho this year was a year filled with trials. A year where I didn’t want to go to church anymore nor serve God. Yes I wanted to stop serving God!!! No matter how many times I tried running away I felt an unbelievable DEVINE force pulling me back!!!! When I turned around and saw what it was it was God with his arms wide open telling me “what the world has for you is nothing, what I have for you is way more than what the world offers you” all the tears running down my face so fast and non stopping….. “How could I” I asked myself “leave God with all he has done for me, did that mean nothing” tears kept running…… How was I so ungrateful……. When HE is so merciful! I tell myself I am still alive I still walk with my head held high but there is only one reason to this and is God because the plan he has for my life is worth it leaving everything behind and only serving him. This year I was a lotus flower!!! A flower that was growing in adversity! I couldn’t have done it without God! I am so thankful for the process I went thru because now I serve God out of love not because I have too! 2015 I wait for you with open arms and I declare a year of glory in the name of Jesus!!! Today I am a stronger person a true worshiper and I give the glory and honor to God!!!

Nineteen…. Single……. And loving it💕

Nineteen…. Yes I’m nineteen! The last year as a teen…… Okay I get it. Pressure comes from every direction like airplanes landing at the airport. Pressure from family members, pressure from school, pressure from the church. Not all is bad pressure is just overwhelming…. Pressure from yourself which is probably the worst. You are starting to figure out what you wan for your life!! Well some of us! Trying to plan an unpredictable future.. Trying to figure out what we will do once college is over. Typically our sophomore year as a college student. I am starting to crack in millions. Hearing this kills me your nineteen and have never had a boyfriend?! Why?! Your so pretty?! I don’t believe you! That’s impossible! Well is not impossible nothing is impossible if you ask me. Yes let’s start there I’m nineteen years old and single. I don’t find anything wrong with that! It’s just annoying when everyone is telling you, your single well nah duh I think I know. I’m happy single even tho sometimes I wish I had that companion! Someone who is there more than a friend, someone who loves you more than a friend, an actual best friend! That’s what I want my boyfriend to be my best friend someone I can trust with everything!! Why don’t I have a boyfriend?….. To be honest I’m not sure I don’t think I can actually answer that for you but here is what I can tell you. I feel like I will know when someone is right for me. It will feel right and not forced. It will be at Gods timing and I guess it isn’t Gods timing yet and I know when it is he will have someone perfect for me! I’m only nineteen not like if I was 50 and alone…….. Then I would worry! Another question I get are you afraid to stay alone for the rest of your life!??? No I’m not because I know I won’t be but if I am its Gods will and lord knows what or who he saved me from. You know what’s wrong with all these teens now a days is that they rush everything…. They rush into a relationship that has no approval from God a relationship that it’s not even considered a relationship! You get so comfortable being with someone that knows nothing about you! You rush into saying I love you! To love someone takes time! You don’t love someone within two weeks! You can love them in the love of Christ because as Christians we have to love everyone. Don’t rush into a relationship and if your in a relationship it is important for God to be the center of that relationship! So if your asking me if I’m happy! I am very happy!!! I have God what more can I ask for! Enjoy your youth years! I’m waiting on God on my Prince Charming on someone that will cherish me as a precious jewel someone that loves God as much as I love God, someone that is just right for me!!! So no I’m not gonna rush into some random guys arm!!! It’s not the time for that! God knows I’m not ready yet I have to be firm as a Christian and obeying and living a life for God then the rest will fall into place!

Mi amor platonico 💕 (maybe…. Impossible love is better..??)

I am almost sure everyone has an amor platonico (impossible love). Mine isn’t some famous superstar!! Is someone I have been getting to know for the past 3 years (summers) I didn’t meet him till last summer, however we had been texting from the precious summer all year till last summer. I saw a picture of him and I don’t know what happen I couldn’t explain what I felt it was too much at once. I remember saying hello gorgeous (to his picture). I texted my best friend that day telling her she had such an amazing cousin…… Why did she have him so hidden. I couldn’t let someone this mystical slip from my hands I told myself. If I was shy before I think that day I broke all shyness I added him on the social network. I made the first move……. Yes I made the first move!!! I had two reasons for doing this, first reason I didn’t want to be the old shy Andrea who never took risk! So I took the risk to talk to someone I had never met in my entire life, and second of all he is so good looking not to get to know him… I could say it was a great decision I made that night. Later we started texting each other very often and were getting to know each other more and more. But there was 2 problems well for me just 2! First he lives so far away and I never thought I would meet him face to face but if that wasn’t enough he had a girlfriend!!!!Yes a girlfriend and many of you might say well how could you keep talking to him?????? To be honest because of one reason I was happy and I could be myself with him!! I wasn’t afraid nor shy! That is mayor for me!! We were long distance friends! Then last summer came and I met him face to face. When his cousins told me he was
going to be here for the summer and at our graduation my heart sunk literally…. Graduation day came I was so happy to be graduating high school! Also graduation day was the day I had been waiting for a year! To meet him!!! I remember walking into my friends house and all her family being there and saying hi to everyone the closer I got to saying hi to him the more my heart started pounding it was like if I was thrown out of a plane without a parachute!!!!!! “Hey he said” (as i told myself now is a good time to disappear hahah) so I said hey back and he hugged me…… Hands down best hug of my entire life. It all felt to good to be true! Well that summer was the best summer of my life!!!! I spent most Mondays and Tuesdays with him! I became really attached to him I wasn’t shy around him which that made me surprisingly shocked (since he is so beautiful). Then it was time for him to go and I really didn’t want him to leave but I didn’t wanna show emotion! We didn’t talk much when he went back home maybe once a week or once every two weeks the point is that we kinda lost connection! Well that year went by and I never forgot him but I did make It clear that it as better to move on and not fall in love!!! I accomplished that too don’t ask me how because it was hard. Well this summer came and I didn’t think he was coming but he did and my God I was so happy he doesn’t know this by the way! I was so happy that he was here and I wanted to see him but I didn’t wanna make it obvious…… Well I finally saw him probably the happiest night of the whole summer!!!! I thought it was gonna be very awkward but it wasn’t to me it was like if he never left and we had know each other for years! I was comfortable and I was glad that I was! It was so sad that I only got to see him one night tho, but for me that’s enough to last me for a whole lifetime! To me he will always be mi amor platonico and I am perfectly fine with that! He is and amazing guy and friend and I am happy that I can be me around him! I would never want to date him tho Ahahah crazy right but what we have is too cool for it to end if things go bad! So I don’t think I wanna take that risk to lose him as a friend! By the way he broke up with his girlfriend so don’t think bad! Forever will you be mi amor platonico 💕 xoxo Andrea!

My soul cries out ….

I sit here I am desperate I am in desperate need of a revival. I need to feel close to God. I feel so distant from you God I need you. This less traveled road is by far the hardest road to travel when things seem to be getting better here comes a HUGE eighteen wheeler that is in front of you moving so slow……. and all that is inside of it is being tossed at you. My heart is going cold God I want to walk back I feel like I can’t keep moving forward. I want it to be easy walking with you but its so hard this road is filled of obstacles. Its the road I want to take but I just wanna give up. I feel like ill never be good enough no matter what I do I fail. I want you to be proud of me God I sit here in this vast room hoping you reach your hand down and rescue me God. I am being patient but there are days like tonight where I feel like its over and I can’t walk this road anymore…….. I really don’t wanna look back but its easier to look back then it is to look forward. When will all this be over….. When is the spirit gonna lead me where my trust is without borders. Will I ever have a relationship with you like I use to have. I don’t wanna walk alone anymore God I wanna walk with you!!! I want you to hold my hand and don’t let go from me because I need you more than ever!!!!!! I’m screaming out to YOU for help!!!!! I want flowers to bloom on this road again I want this road to light up like it once did. I want to be closer to you God I know this is the hardest road but I know in the en is the best road…. I just want more of you God…. I need you…….. Hear my cries I cry out to you like a cub cries out to it’s mother I cry out to you my Father I need you……. Help me make it help me travel this road help me be a better christian help me love you like never before. AWAKEN MY SOUL!!!!!!!!

A two month lesson…

For the past two months almost three now I have been asking God to speak to me. To tell me its all gonna be okay and trust me he has he always does. I go to church and literally all the preaching’s for the past two months have been about marriage. Every time the person bringing the message starts off talking about marriage I get upset with God and I look up and tell him “really why do you make me feel so bad?”  Cuando me vas a dar palabras de aliento a mi????? That is my daily struggle. It is so sad that it took me almost three months to realize that he has been telling me something and that the preaching’s have been for me and have been speaking to my life as well. I had been wanting to watch the movie fireproof for a long time and I finally found it on Netflix tonight. I told myself but do I really want to watch a movie about marriage and I finally told myself why not? I am watching the movies and it brings me to tears how his marriage is falling apart. I am now interested in the movie even tho its about marriage. I sit on my couch and I am watching this movie and God is giving me a message through this movie. Caleb’s Dad tells him that “he has to love God before he can love his wife.” He tells him “God loves you even tho you rejected him spat on his face….” His dad sends him a type of devotional that he is to follow for forty days and this is when I understand my message. These forty days for Caleb are extremely hard and he wants to give up but he does not. Caleb with Gods help is patient and hopeful. So you might ask me so what does this have to do with your lesson? Well I have been wanting refreshing words for two months. I have been hearing the same message over and over again and I keep getting upset with God. It took a movie to open my eyes and to see beyond the message of marriage. My pupils enlarged and my ears opened as wide as the mouth of Lolita the Killer whale. I understood that God is telling me be Patient I am working and be hopeful because its not all over yet. Wowwwww God surprises me more and more each day! Thank you God! Where would I be without You?!

“The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all”
-Mulan

This quote has brought so much meaning to my life. Many ask how its just a quote from a Disney movie. Its not just some quote its meaning its truly beautiful. I compare myself to the flower for many reasons. My life right now its not the easiest if anything its at the hardest point of my life. For 19 short years that I have lived I have never faced so many difficulties like I am now. I am the flower in this quote because like that flower I have not gave up and I have decided to keep blooming. I am still growing in the middle of this storm I have not let the enemy stop me from growing like that flower did not let anything stop it from growing. I am so beautiful like the flower because I am blooming in the mist of all the misfortune around me. This makes me rare and beautiful because you don’t see something growing in the middle of adversity. God gives me life every day and strength to keep blooming into that beautiful flower and I know my victory is soon to come. This quote has gave me life its not just some quote it describes what I am facing. Its amazing how God has beauty in the middle of a storm!

Break Every Chain!!!

Tuesday Night 10:00 pm. I sit on my couch staring out the window into the vast darkness of the night. My Pandora radio is playing one of the songs that ministers my life in a great way. One of my passions is music I feel that music speaks to my life on so many different levels. Break every chain….. what does that mean to me? why does it impact my life so much? I would like to know. I can tell you that every time the song plays I feel the chains breaking….. yes I feel the chains breaking. Everything that ties my life and keeps me from growing in the Lord I feel breaking.  I don’t know where to begin and how to explain what I feel when I hear this song. “THERE IS POWER IN THE NAME OF JESUS!!!!!!!” That line has to be the most important line of the song to me. When that is said over and over again I feel less tight yes less tight when I feel the tightness is when the chains are rapping my body (my mind). I feel that the chains control my mind the most because that’s where the enemy works our minds. The mind is the greatest battlefield. When the line of the song keeps repeating I feel the chains breaking one by one falling to the ground. I picture God sending Jesus down, I feel his presence right next to me he takes his hands and he rips every chain away from my body. He breaks every chain!!!!! I have tears rolling down the side of my face dripping one by one on top of the chains that were once tying me down. These tears to me symbolize victory, yes victory my tears are a part of me and they are on top of the chains that once tied me down. The chains of loneliness of feeling alone are now under my feet and I feel something so supernatural next to me holding me by my hand many of you ask what and its my Jesus holding me by my hand walking by my side. He is breaking every chain that is tossed at me. I no longer fear of being chained down because he walks by my side. The chains are broken……. the chains are broken. The storm is calming down, I won’t get upset if the storm keeps increasing because now I know what to do and who is the one who breaks my chains. HE doesn’t only break my chains but he breaks your chains too. He is the only one that gives us the strength to keep going to break every chain. We can be the army rising up to break every chain in the name of Jesus!!!!!!! Life is not easy but our Victory will be worth every test and storm we face. The chains of lies, hatred, sin, feeling lonely, and the chains of oppression are now BROKEN!

6 months back in time……

November 2013. November I was still in love with someone who said they loved me back, I was suffering from a great heart break. I am most positive it was my First actual heart break. I fell in love with someone who lived 633.14 miles away from me. Many told me your falling to hard for someone you don’t know well in person. My heart and mind did not care it felt so right that it was all perfect in my eyes. In reality I was living a great lie that later on came out into the light and left me devastated! Months passed and we did not talk much anymore. January 2014 came so
fast in a blink of an eye. January was the month I faced great temptation yes temptation. I felt that I was great spiritually and it was all innocent. I was blinded by the enemy by the attention I was getting and all the sweet words that felt like a honey explosion. I let time pass and I knew it was wrong I tried stopping it, but that blindfold was tighter than before and the words were sweeter than the honey explosion. Than Bammmmm like a car going 100 miles per hour clashed against an 18 wheeler everything fell apart. March 16 2014 I received the most horrific call…. my heart was beating faster than a cheetah running after its pray my stomach sunk and my hands were drenching in sweat. That night I lost what I considered a sister it was so hurtful. My life was made a living hell that night.. Was it worth suffering that much I often question? How did this happened I asked myself if I was doing great spiritually? Well at least I thought. For the past two months I have been trying so hard to forgive myself and restore my soul and heart. Days I feel like giving up, but if I give up I make the enemy happy….. I don’t want him to win this battle, but I feel alone so maybe its worth losing this battle I tell myself. Something in me the “new man” won’t let me give up reminds me God doesn’t give us burdens that we can not carry. I ask myself is this true? Then I remember that I am still standing on my two feet after all that has happened. I remember how God spoke to me when I cried and begged him to answer me to show me that he was here with me. He told me “Your not alone you will never be alone I am holding you by your hand, you do not need any human fighting your battles when you have me YOUR GOD!!!!! The one who saved you from the life you had the one who will restore your soul and heart! Is that not enough for you to know that I sent my only Son to die on that cross for YOU!!!” I sat here in shocked telling myself wow how stupid could I be how can I sit here and doubt and want to give up when He has not gave up on me. I know I have a long way to go and that its still gonna hurt but I am in the Potters hand and he is molding me to be who he wants me to be. I know that my victory is coming. I thank God for this storm because it has drawn me closer to Him! Por Siempre te adorare Padre amado ❤️